Good night. I love you. DNR

Do you know how much I look forward to getting that every night? Do you? Because I can't seem to settle down and sleep without it now. They make me smile, they make me happy and also sad. Perhaps, because I'm tired and not in bed it struck me funny tonight. I realized how much I look forward to these twenty letters each night, how much I need them.

Dammit I crave them, but not the way I get them. Oh how I wish they came with a warm embrace a gentle kiss to feel that love and security. I know that this isn't fair. I'm sorry. It's just how I feel at this moment. Working late isn't such a good idea when your lonely.

Tomorrow will be a brighter day! Oh and don't stop...

How are you sexually?

I took this quiz and thought it was interesting and fun! Enjoy!

Do you have an inclination for BDSM? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Submission It feels good to serve. A lack of control in the bedroom can be fun and relaxing. Being with a dominate person wouldn't be a bad idea. Submission 93% Experimental 93% Masochism 79% Bondage 71% Switch 57% Exhibitionism and Voyeurism 54% Sadism 43% Domination 32% Vanilla Sex 21% Degradation 18%

Green Eyed Monster!

Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies. ~Elizabeth Bowen

I'm generally not a jealous person, this is an emotion I don't deal with often. Not often at all! But, when I do deal with it, the feeling of being jealous sneaks up on me and attacks like a virus. It gets in through the smallest opening, mutates your other feelings and thoughts and continues to multiply until it infects you with negative thought. Before you know it, you are left there not feeling like yourself.

If your lucky enough to catch this virus before it gets to far you can do something to prevent yourself from feeling overwhelmed. But, if you don't manage to catch it and it spreads it is such a harmful and corrupting emotion. I just feel so invaded at the moment.

You know, I don't think that I am jealous. I don't resent or feel any malice at all towards this "thing". I don't have a painful desire for the things others have, I just realize that I have a want and a need for something that is lacking in my life at the moment. I am just a bit envious in general. And the craving for this lacking seems to be a bit overpowering.

Now I move forward and look for peace in and with myself. I am glad to have had the opportunity to see this feeling sneaking up on me. Now I will look for happiness!

We learn the inner secret of happiness when we learn to direct our inner drives, our interest and our attention to something besides ourselves. Ethel Percy Andrus

Can't sleep...

Can't sleep - This sucks!

Way too lonely...

Still getting use to being alone....

Just thought I would share.

This new bag...

My husband moved out exactly 64 days ago, the count down has begun. I have two months of separation under my belt and only 10 months to go... The past two months have been filled with every kind of emotion you can think of. I've never been yelled at so much or called so many names.
We had a huge blow up that helped the two of them see that they need help and I'm not all that bad. So, each of them have sought out professional help. My mother-in-law is going to see a psychologist and my husband has been put on anti-depressant medication. THANK GOODNESS! Hopefully the two of them will see this through and this will be a permanent change. They really have seemed to chill out in the past two weeks.
Even with all of the turmoil and crap that I have been dealing with, I'm the happiest I have been in years. I still have a place in my heart for my ex and his mother, but I'm ready to move on. I'm at peace with my decision to divorce. And thrilled at the prospect of a new future. It's great to fantasise about what my life will be. I actually have hope for a wonderful new life for myself and my son.
I am excited and perhaps a little scared as we start this new chapter of our lives. As long as my son and I are together we will be great!

Hiatus!

I've been on a little hiatus, it figures I just get started with this blog and then I decide to disappear. Well, I've sort of withdrawn from most things in my life at the moment. Save for a few incredible people. And even within those people there are different levels of withdrawal.

So, I guess last I was on here I was talking about my cruddy husband and his lack of job. Well, the reason for my hiatus is because we split up. June was a crappy month, I knew it was just a matter of time before I would grow a pair of balls and ask for the separation. But I just couldn't do it then. June has both Fathers day and husbands birthday. Even with how unhappy I was I couldn't do that to him, happy holiday and goodbye! I'm not that much of a bitch.

Then in July the fighting got significantly worse and came to a head at duty on July 22nd. Husband decided that he would confront everyone that he has blamed for the demise of our marriage. God forbid he realize that it has everything to do with the two of us and no one else. Anyhow, I get back from a call that was iffy and I had questions for SmartAssBF, who also is my partner on the ambulance. We were discussing the call when Husband comes rushing in and flipping out. Yelled at me, at SmartAssBF and then at another friend CivilRights. The screaming continued to get ugly, other friends jumped in to try and help defuse the situation. Finally, I had enough and told my husband that this is a perfect example of why I don't want to be with him any longer. And that this is why I'm divorcing him. He left for the night. When I got home the next morning the two of us had a pretty good talk that then turned into a huge argument and then him realizing that it is over and he moved out. Thank God!

Well, over the last month my husband and I have had our fair share of blow ups. He and his mentally unstable mother feel the need to yell at me every other day. Just to tell me what a horrible person and mother I am. Some days I think that it's not worth it and just go back to him.

But, then I think about how happy I am even though I have to deal with their crap. My son is happy when he is with me. We laugh, play games and just enjoy each other.

Cuddle me...

K... I'm having a little issue. It's not really a big deal, but it seems to be ruling my thoughts the past few days.
A friend of mine pointed out that the way I am physically with my partner is strange especially since I'm such a touchy feely kinda person. Well, I love sex... love it, love it, love it! I've been going nuts lately because of the problems in my marriage. When my husband and I are getting along we have great sex and I don't have any complaints in that department. But lately none for me. It's kinda hard to have sex or cuddle someone your so angry with.
I had dinner with SmartAssBF and his girlfriend and we were talking about bedtime routines and cuddling. When, I realized that I am seriously lacking in this department. I brought the subject up because one of the nights that the husband and I had an exceptionally bad blow up I didn't feel safe at home so I left the house and went to SmartAssBF's house. Another friend, we will call him CivilRights, was there. We ended up staying up most of the night talking about everything. When the conversation moved to my issues with my husband, I started crying. No, scratch that... Blubbering mess is more like it! Anyway, CivilRights crawled up onto the couch and just held me. Now I now, this doesn't sound strange to most people, but to me this was a new thing. My Husband use to cuddle with me years ago... For the past 6 years I can probably count on my hands and feet the number of times that he has actually come to bed at the same time as me. He finally hits the bed anywhere from midnight to 3 in the morning. What is he doing you ask? Well he is down in the dungeon, (for the rest of you that's the basement) playing on his computer or many gaming systems.
Anyway, back to the cuddling.
At first it was extremely strange to have someone just hold me, but after a while I realized that I really enjoyed having that interaction. Now, I miss it and want it desperately!

Here's the screwed up thing, you ready? Suddenly, now that my dear husband has realized that our marriage is ending he has been trying to cuddle me lately. And I don't want him touching me at all! Even just his hand on my side feels like Godzilla is touching me. Yes, I know beggars shouldn't be chooser. But, I want what I want and wont apologize for it!

Cuddle me, Cuddle me, Cuddle me!!!

Bad moments in your day....

I believe that true bad days are far and few between. A true bad day requires for the entire day to go to shit! So, I can't say that I'm having a bad day because I've had some pretty great moments today. But, right now it seems that the bad is outweighing the good.



Blah!!!!!



Anyway, I'm feeling overwhelmed at work. We have recently shut down three offices and guess who gets to deal with any and all problems that arises? Guesses people??? Yes, your right it's me. Well, my direct supervisor retired two months ago and the other person that I work with in this department was laid off. So, now it's just me left to pick up the slack. I understand being upset and pissed with the company for being laid off. So, I get it that the girl that I've worked with for 5 years isn't going to finish the projects that she is working on. And leave the company in a lurch. But, it's me who will feel the weight not the company. The company will be just fine. I on the other hand will need to work late and deal with the clients screaming because things are left undone. So, needless to say I'm a bit upset and bothered by this.



Ok, onto the second thing which is compounded by the first. My husband needs to get a real job!!! He says that he will in the middle of June. He wants to finish out the year at the pre-school that he is at. Fine... do that but at least start looking now so that it's a seamless transition. My friend, SmartAssBF has found an awesome job for my husband with incredible pay and benefits. I'm not suppose to know about this. But, because he's my best friend and not my husbands he has shared this info with me. But, the job is 45 minutes to an hour away. And I can guarantee that my wonderful husband wont even attempt to get the job. God forbid he has to drive to get to work!



Fuck!!! I took this job 10 years ago, that was the same distance and I didn't even have a fucking car at the time. I figured out what to do then without transportation.
He has a great truck, no excuses!

June 4th, 2007
....Just wanted to give an update... My co-worker who was laid off figured out a way to help out with the projects left undone! SHE'S AWESOME!!! I knew she would come through.

On the other hand... I was correct about my husband and the "great job". He has informed me that he doesn't what that job due to the distance. All I can think is... "go ahead, make it easier for me to leave you". OK... another update... I told him that I wanted separation and guess what he is applying for now? Yep... now he wants to take the job. We will see what happens next!

Peace out!

Physical Therapy you say???

So, I've been in Physical Therapy for a week now, started out slow and now I finally got the full brunt of it today.

Physical Therapy, oh no my friend... it's Physical TOURCURE!!!

I'll start at the first visit... because the beginning is always a great place to start.
It's my first appointment and I wear what I believe is appropriate attire for P.T. Yoga pants, T-shirt and sneakers. So, I'm sitting in the lobby and I can't believe all of the characters there. One lady, reminded me of a burnt almond! She couldn't have been much older than 35, but she was all shriveled due to the fake bake tanning bed. And, guess what she had on for P.T.??? A mini skirt, Tank top and clogs. I kept looking at her, wanting to pull out my lotion and rub it on her poor dieing skin! K... Done with that tangent.

I usually bring a book everywhere I go... but this day I was so busy watching what was going on around me I didn't even crack it open. I'm watching the Doctors and assistants walking back and forth with different patients. And that is when one of the doctors caught my attention. OH MY.... How cute is he! He is absolutely beautiful yet adorable, uuuummmmm.... I start thinking, please don't let him be my doctor, please, please, please let it be the squat Asian doctor who looks like he would be oh so funny...

Nope, Dr. Adorable comes out and calls my name.... Oh well... I guess it doesn't make a difference. I'm un-happily married anyway. So, I go back and he asks about the accident. And like everyone else I've told, the first question out of his mouth is: "Where you driving too fast". Why does everyone think it was me driving???
Nope, only going a little over the speed limit and I wasn't driving. So, he starts poking at me and moving all of my appendages around "looking for what hurts". He finds it, but just to make sure he has to poke the muscles and/or joints that are effected. OUCH!!! Stop!

So, he comes up with a treatment plan and says that he wants to start with this gel that I will call "gunk" from here on out and ultrasound waves to make it penetrate into the muscles. I think, what the hell ok lets get this started.
He takes me into another room, and instead of an assistant doing it he stays and does it. I'm laying down on my tummy and he pulls the back of my shirt up and then starts to pull the back of my pants down without telling me. I'm thinking.... "OH OH OHH wait, stop, you'll see my stretch marks". Being thankful, that I wore nice panties I figure it will be only a second and then he will go away. NO such luck! He proceeds to squirt this foul smelling gunk on my back and stands there for 15 minutes as he rolls the ultrasound wand over my back the whole time. We make small talk, he's sweet and smart but I realize that there is just something about him that bothers me... Yeaaaa.... He's back to normal Dr. Status! No longer, Adorable.

Well, I've been 4 times now and each time it gets worse and worse.
I think they are all Sadomasochism fools! They have me doing stretches that kill, exercises that normally wouldn't bother me, but they kill and then at the end you get a massage before you leave.

Sound great, right? WRONG!

These massages inflict so much pain that I was tempted to grab the guys testes and squeeze every time he would dig on the muscles that he knew was injured! See how he would like being in pain from something that would normally be very nice.
So, today.... Dr. Adorable did my massage. It's now six hours later and I feel like my head is just going to fall off from the way he was squeezing the muscles in my neck. When I got up to leave, he said thinking he was funny and cute "I only moderately enjoy inflicting pain on others". I turned around and told him that I really don't believe him, and someone with a face of an angle like that is just a Sadists in hiding... He belly laughed, as I walked away.

OH.... I almost forgot the best part of all of this P.T. crap. They use 2 different ointments on me each time, each having a very distinct smell. Put the two together and I leave smelling like a retirement home. I believe all you would need to add is a splash of urine and everything would be complete! O'd to oldfolks perfume!!! This is what makes me thankful that the firehouse I run at is only 1 mile from my office. I go to P.T. and straight to the firehouse to shower and bag the cloths that had on! Now, I get to look forward to going 3 times a week for the next three weeks. I don't know if I have the constitution to see this through!

Husband or NO Husband???

Husbands... What can you say, when they are good they are worth all of the crap that you have to put up with. And when they are bad, that is when you start to think about digging a hole!

So, I have been married for seven and a half years now.... Yes, I know... Your thinking I have the seven year itch. But, no that's no it. I have scratched that itch years ago! We have been dating for 14 years now. What, you did the math and noticed that I'm only 30. Yes, I was 15 going on 16. Reminds me of the Sound of Music. (Which by the way, is a great movie) Ok, back to the subject at hand. My husband.

Well, when we started dating he was this older, wiser, and an oh so handsome man. And a firefighter to boot! All of my high school friends would be soooo jealous. What a silly girl I was. OH, and according to him. I was only going to be a summer fling, someday I need to remind him that summer flings don't include Autumn, Winter, Spring, and Summer again!

We dated and were inseparable for years, then came the engagement when I was 22 and Married by 23, baby at 28. Through the years we have had some of the greatest moments of my life and some of the worst. But, through it all he has been there... At least on the emotional level. He is a good man and an absolutely fabulous father.

And here is where we go down hill.

The main and pretty much only re-occurring fight that we have had over the years is that he doesn't like to work. He is an extremely smart and sometimes brilliant man, and completely capable of doing great things. But doesnt seem to have the drive or the will to do so. From time to time he has had different jobs, Web Page programmer, Internet Technical Support, Amusement organizer, Bike shop manager and electrician are just a few of them. All of which he did EXTREEMLY well with but inevitably got bored and quit or stopped trying and got fired.

After we had our son, I agreed that it would be great if one of us could stay home for the first year to take care of him. And taking into account our history of employment, guess who stayed home? Yes, you got it! My husband. It made since, I have a steady job that I've had for 10 years now and I make more money. Now my son is 2 and a half and still no real job to speak of. He works 9 hours a week at a pre-school that I had asked him to look into for our son to go a few hours a week to socialize. (He got the job after a nasty fight where I told him get a job or I'm leaving) The job just fell into his lap when he went to enroll my JuneBug into. I try to be there for him and help motivate him to better himself and find something new. I keep looking at all of his other wonderful attributes and thinking he isn't such a bad man. He could be capable of being a provider, but alas I have come to realize that even if he is capable he isn't willing to go the long haul.

Before my son, I could deal with this "little" problem. Now that I'm a mother and it isn't just me that I have to worry about anymore I have realized that this is unacceptable. I started to become less patient with these gaps of unemployment. Through the last year and a half where he has "put off" getting a job and I have become less patient and kind about it. We tend to fight over everything. OH, did I not mention, that we both volunteer at the same Fire House? And we both share all of the same friends. All of whom, have noticed this trend and who also have become irritated with him. The funny thing is, the friends who are closer to my husband want me to leave him and my best friend who is a guy, I talked about him before SmartAssBF is the only one who advocates on my husbands behalf and if it wasn't for him I would have left months ago.

(OH.... Side note: My husband spends money like we have a potted plant of money leaves in the back yard. He just recently went out and bought a Nintendo Wii game system, when we are suffering to pay the bills. And he waited to tell me about it while we were at dinner with all of our friends, because he knows I don't believe in fighting in front of anyone. That is what the privacy of your home is for.)

Over the last year I think I have become so angry and resentful of my husband that I fell out of love with him. I love him and care for him, but I do not feel as though he is my lover or husband. And I have informed him of my feelings and tried to leave a few months ago. He begged me to stay and that he would work on things. I agreed to stay and try and work out my issues as long as he works on his side. So a few months ago, I set a deadline for myself of when I will make the final decision of staying or leaving. That deadline is August. It's coming up fast and while he has been making a huge effort of spending more time with me and being nicer to me, still no job. He is unaware of this deadline, but I figured 4 months is sufficient time to find a job. And he is aware of my feelings about unemployment. There should be two equal halves in a relationship.

My mother raised me to be a thinking, independent self sufficient woman. Which, isn't a problem. But, I have been with this man for 14 years and I am tired of taking care of a grown man. I have a son now that I need to take care of. And I would love it if I had someone to take care of me, where I don't have to be the sole provider. I feel selfish in these wants, but I'm 30 now. And I don't want to be 65 looking forward to retirement and not able to because my husband is still wanting to stay at home playing on the computer and gaming systems.

At this point I'm extremely scared and confused as to what I'm going to do. August is coming up fast. I believe I do want a separation, but everything that is involved terrifies me. Plus, I'm so afraid for my husband. I still care for him, but I don't want to be his mother too...

I know that this post was a little scrambled, but there is so much more to it all and how do you put it all down in a post. Plus, it's seems to be a bit difficult to write when there is so much emotion behind it. As, I have never been the best writer.

Wow that hit me by suprise!!!

So, I guess I should start with the beginning of this story.
A few weeks ago, I had weekend duty at the fire house. I'm a volunteer EMT... Yeaaaa go me, whatever! Anyway, we had just finished a 24 hour shift. Ran a few calls that were totally B.S. during the night, and then went straight to an eight hour training burn. Where some of the "wanna be" fireman kept falling out. Now don't get me wrong, we have some of most capable, fit, and not to mention pretty dammed cute firemen at our station. But, when you join and you can't even keep up at the training burn, then there is something that you need to rethink!!! Go to the gym or perhaps slip those sneakers on and take a run. Your heart will thank you for it later :) Anyway, after a tiring eight hours of training which also included some "real" emergencies we were finally ready to head back to the station to complete the final twelve hours of our shift. Woo Hoo!


The ambulance that we were in decided to take a diversion onto it's back... Yes, that's right we wrecked the M-F'er! One of my best friends, we will call him SmartAssBF was driving and the right wheel went off the lip of the back country road we were driving on. Paigie in the back seat said that she heard me yell, SmartAssBF's name three times and then it was too late after that. He pulled the wheel to correct but the ambulance being so top heavy had it's own plans. We ended up spinning around and facing the other direction, the ambulance rolled onto the side and if it hadn't been for the embankment being rather high we would have rolled over completley. Instead we just went upside down for a second and then landed right back on the tires.

The ambulance was a mess! Supplies flew everywhere, map book pumbled us and we got knocked around pretty good. Everyone is ok, lets just thank God that we all had our seat belts on. I must have hit my head so hard that when I went to get up I felt like my head was a pimple that was about to bust! I thought for sure that Paigie was dead, but she's the one who helped me out of the unit... I was back boarded and transported to the hospital. Let me tell you, being an EMT and having another ambulance come for you is a surreal experience. I ended up with my hips being extremely sore, my right shoulder felt like it had been hit with a baseball bat, and had reverse curvature of the cervical spine, probably due to severe muscle spasms. Now two weeks later, I'm still sore, have spontaneous muscle spasms in my neck and lower back and the joints in my ass feel like I'm an 80 year old woman. Physical Therapy is not fun! I'm just looking forward to the part where I get massages! Doesn't that come with Physical Therapy??? If not, it should!

Ok, enough on the back story.... Today was my first day back to duty. All day today I was feeling a bit of dread. I've been nervous, for a few reasons. One, I'm at the end of my OIC Training (Officer in Charge) and I really don't feel ready. They tell me that if you feel ready that means your too cocky and your really aren't ready. But, having this "I suck" feeling is actually a good thing. It makes you realize that your not perfect and you need to keep working to make yourself better. But, I don't wanna be cut loose without someone there to bail me out when I start to royally screw up. Now, I don't think I will kill anyone... I think ;) And the second reason I was dreading it, I'm completely terrified to get back into the ambulance.
Once I got to duty, I say hello to everyone... Give out my hugs and then start to do the weekly check off for the ambulance. Now, this is the first time I've been back into an ambulance since the accident. So, I climb in, and two of the people that I ride with are already checking the unit out. I think great! I can just sit here for a minute and just get use to being back. But, no! I start getting the biggest knot in my stomach and find a reason to get off the unit. I go and "help" with the rebuild of my laptop, by help I mean stand behind the person doing the work and and shot the shit. The best part about that is he was able to save my data. Yeaaaa, I'm so happy! But, he hands me two disks... One with "work" stuff and one with my "pictures". Now, we take pictures at parties and there may have been a few with my boobs hanging out a bit. I giggled, and said thank you. Now, due to embarrassment I figure it's time to go back to the ambulance.
And we get our first call...

SHIT!!!! I'M NOT READY FOR THIS!!!!

I was the OIC so I was supposed to sit in the front seat but I couldn't do it. So, I look at SmartAssBF and he knows what I'm thinking without having to say it and climbs up. I get into the back with the new guy, buckle up. We start heading down the street. Now, A-chick is driving and sometimes she's just a little to rough with it. Today, she is trying to be good, and I'm thankful for this. The call is for an apartment fire so everyone is hauling ass and trying to get there. Inevitably you have some jack ass who thinks that stopping right in front of an Emergency vehicle is better than driving and getting the hell out of the way! So, breaks are applied and the air horn is squealing. Meanwhile I'm sitting in the back seat with my hands on my head trying not to let this knot that had formed in my stomach loosen too much because it will come up in a big mess-O-Chinese food that I had for dinner. YUMMY! The new guy, "token" keeps asking if I'm ok and then when I say yes he proceeds to ask freaking retarded questions. (ok, I obviously wasn't ok so when I say yes just sit down and shut the fuck up) We get placed in service and we can go back to the firehouse, I'm relieved but not entirely sure I will make it.
As we pull up and they stop the ambulance to let SmartAssBF out to back us up into the bay I jump out and bolt for the rest room. Yes, eating extra spicy Kung Pao Chicken isn't a good thing when your going to vomit! I got a Kung Pao alright... right back into the toilet bowl! But, I guess it's an extra 800 calories I don't have to worry about... Right???
Now, I just have to wait until next week! Oh, the fun will continue because I'm not giving up... Soon, I will be able to ride on the ambulance without fear!

Oh, All this happened on Sunday... and I'm posting this at 3:54am Monday morning, as I don't know how to sleep! I think I will go and try now, nighty night!

Ok, so she twisted my arm...

Well, I've been; I forgot what someone had called it once... Lets see if my memory bank can pull this one out of my ass. Eh, it was something like ghosting or prowling around several blogs for about a year. I became addicted to reading them and have wanted to comment several times. Alas, I cannot without having my own profile. But, I think that creating a profile just to be able to comment is Bull shit! So, here I go! My girlfriend who got me addicted in the first place finally convinced me. Love ya!

I found it funny that when you start a new profile you have to do one of those word verification things so that they know it's a person, you know what I'm talking about... Typing out the random letters and/or numbers to prove your human, I guess... But anyway, my random group of letters actually spelled out something "cuntbut" I had a little chuckle. You know, I really should have started this blog a year ago when my life was a bit more interesting.... But, it ain't over yet!