Husband or NO Husband???

Husbands... What can you say, when they are good they are worth all of the crap that you have to put up with. And when they are bad, that is when you start to think about digging a hole!

So, I have been married for seven and a half years now.... Yes, I know... Your thinking I have the seven year itch. But, no that's no it. I have scratched that itch years ago! We have been dating for 14 years now. What, you did the math and noticed that I'm only 30. Yes, I was 15 going on 16. Reminds me of the Sound of Music. (Which by the way, is a great movie) Ok, back to the subject at hand. My husband.

Well, when we started dating he was this older, wiser, and an oh so handsome man. And a firefighter to boot! All of my high school friends would be soooo jealous. What a silly girl I was. OH, and according to him. I was only going to be a summer fling, someday I need to remind him that summer flings don't include Autumn, Winter, Spring, and Summer again!

We dated and were inseparable for years, then came the engagement when I was 22 and Married by 23, baby at 28. Through the years we have had some of the greatest moments of my life and some of the worst. But, through it all he has been there... At least on the emotional level. He is a good man and an absolutely fabulous father.

And here is where we go down hill.

The main and pretty much only re-occurring fight that we have had over the years is that he doesn't like to work. He is an extremely smart and sometimes brilliant man, and completely capable of doing great things. But doesnt seem to have the drive or the will to do so. From time to time he has had different jobs, Web Page programmer, Internet Technical Support, Amusement organizer, Bike shop manager and electrician are just a few of them. All of which he did EXTREEMLY well with but inevitably got bored and quit or stopped trying and got fired.

After we had our son, I agreed that it would be great if one of us could stay home for the first year to take care of him. And taking into account our history of employment, guess who stayed home? Yes, you got it! My husband. It made since, I have a steady job that I've had for 10 years now and I make more money. Now my son is 2 and a half and still no real job to speak of. He works 9 hours a week at a pre-school that I had asked him to look into for our son to go a few hours a week to socialize. (He got the job after a nasty fight where I told him get a job or I'm leaving) The job just fell into his lap when he went to enroll my JuneBug into. I try to be there for him and help motivate him to better himself and find something new. I keep looking at all of his other wonderful attributes and thinking he isn't such a bad man. He could be capable of being a provider, but alas I have come to realize that even if he is capable he isn't willing to go the long haul.

Before my son, I could deal with this "little" problem. Now that I'm a mother and it isn't just me that I have to worry about anymore I have realized that this is unacceptable. I started to become less patient with these gaps of unemployment. Through the last year and a half where he has "put off" getting a job and I have become less patient and kind about it. We tend to fight over everything. OH, did I not mention, that we both volunteer at the same Fire House? And we both share all of the same friends. All of whom, have noticed this trend and who also have become irritated with him. The funny thing is, the friends who are closer to my husband want me to leave him and my best friend who is a guy, I talked about him before SmartAssBF is the only one who advocates on my husbands behalf and if it wasn't for him I would have left months ago.

(OH.... Side note: My husband spends money like we have a potted plant of money leaves in the back yard. He just recently went out and bought a Nintendo Wii game system, when we are suffering to pay the bills. And he waited to tell me about it while we were at dinner with all of our friends, because he knows I don't believe in fighting in front of anyone. That is what the privacy of your home is for.)

Over the last year I think I have become so angry and resentful of my husband that I fell out of love with him. I love him and care for him, but I do not feel as though he is my lover or husband. And I have informed him of my feelings and tried to leave a few months ago. He begged me to stay and that he would work on things. I agreed to stay and try and work out my issues as long as he works on his side. So a few months ago, I set a deadline for myself of when I will make the final decision of staying or leaving. That deadline is August. It's coming up fast and while he has been making a huge effort of spending more time with me and being nicer to me, still no job. He is unaware of this deadline, but I figured 4 months is sufficient time to find a job. And he is aware of my feelings about unemployment. There should be two equal halves in a relationship.

My mother raised me to be a thinking, independent self sufficient woman. Which, isn't a problem. But, I have been with this man for 14 years and I am tired of taking care of a grown man. I have a son now that I need to take care of. And I would love it if I had someone to take care of me, where I don't have to be the sole provider. I feel selfish in these wants, but I'm 30 now. And I don't want to be 65 looking forward to retirement and not able to because my husband is still wanting to stay at home playing on the computer and gaming systems.

At this point I'm extremely scared and confused as to what I'm going to do. August is coming up fast. I believe I do want a separation, but everything that is involved terrifies me. Plus, I'm so afraid for my husband. I still care for him, but I don't want to be his mother too...

I know that this post was a little scrambled, but there is so much more to it all and how do you put it all down in a post. Plus, it's seems to be a bit difficult to write when there is so much emotion behind it. As, I have never been the best writer.