Green Eyed Monster!

Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies. ~Elizabeth Bowen

I'm generally not a jealous person, this is an emotion I don't deal with often. Not often at all! But, when I do deal with it, the feeling of being jealous sneaks up on me and attacks like a virus. It gets in through the smallest opening, mutates your other feelings and thoughts and continues to multiply until it infects you with negative thought. Before you know it, you are left there not feeling like yourself.

If your lucky enough to catch this virus before it gets to far you can do something to prevent yourself from feeling overwhelmed. But, if you don't manage to catch it and it spreads it is such a harmful and corrupting emotion. I just feel so invaded at the moment.

You know, I don't think that I am jealous. I don't resent or feel any malice at all towards this "thing". I don't have a painful desire for the things others have, I just realize that I have a want and a need for something that is lacking in my life at the moment. I am just a bit envious in general. And the craving for this lacking seems to be a bit overpowering.

Now I move forward and look for peace in and with myself. I am glad to have had the opportunity to see this feeling sneaking up on me. Now I will look for happiness!

We learn the inner secret of happiness when we learn to direct our inner drives, our interest and our attention to something besides ourselves. Ethel Percy Andrus

Can't sleep...

Can't sleep - This sucks!

Way too lonely...

Still getting use to being alone....

Just thought I would share.

This new bag...

My husband moved out exactly 64 days ago, the count down has begun. I have two months of separation under my belt and only 10 months to go... The past two months have been filled with every kind of emotion you can think of. I've never been yelled at so much or called so many names.
We had a huge blow up that helped the two of them see that they need help and I'm not all that bad. So, each of them have sought out professional help. My mother-in-law is going to see a psychologist and my husband has been put on anti-depressant medication. THANK GOODNESS! Hopefully the two of them will see this through and this will be a permanent change. They really have seemed to chill out in the past two weeks.
Even with all of the turmoil and crap that I have been dealing with, I'm the happiest I have been in years. I still have a place in my heart for my ex and his mother, but I'm ready to move on. I'm at peace with my decision to divorce. And thrilled at the prospect of a new future. It's great to fantasise about what my life will be. I actually have hope for a wonderful new life for myself and my son.
I am excited and perhaps a little scared as we start this new chapter of our lives. As long as my son and I are together we will be great!

Hiatus!

I've been on a little hiatus, it figures I just get started with this blog and then I decide to disappear. Well, I've sort of withdrawn from most things in my life at the moment. Save for a few incredible people. And even within those people there are different levels of withdrawal.

So, I guess last I was on here I was talking about my cruddy husband and his lack of job. Well, the reason for my hiatus is because we split up. June was a crappy month, I knew it was just a matter of time before I would grow a pair of balls and ask for the separation. But I just couldn't do it then. June has both Fathers day and husbands birthday. Even with how unhappy I was I couldn't do that to him, happy holiday and goodbye! I'm not that much of a bitch.

Then in July the fighting got significantly worse and came to a head at duty on July 22nd. Husband decided that he would confront everyone that he has blamed for the demise of our marriage. God forbid he realize that it has everything to do with the two of us and no one else. Anyhow, I get back from a call that was iffy and I had questions for SmartAssBF, who also is my partner on the ambulance. We were discussing the call when Husband comes rushing in and flipping out. Yelled at me, at SmartAssBF and then at another friend CivilRights. The screaming continued to get ugly, other friends jumped in to try and help defuse the situation. Finally, I had enough and told my husband that this is a perfect example of why I don't want to be with him any longer. And that this is why I'm divorcing him. He left for the night. When I got home the next morning the two of us had a pretty good talk that then turned into a huge argument and then him realizing that it is over and he moved out. Thank God!

Well, over the last month my husband and I have had our fair share of blow ups. He and his mentally unstable mother feel the need to yell at me every other day. Just to tell me what a horrible person and mother I am. Some days I think that it's not worth it and just go back to him.

But, then I think about how happy I am even though I have to deal with their crap. My son is happy when he is with me. We laugh, play games and just enjoy each other.